For the longest time I had been starting my day with unforgiveness towards myself for errors in judgement and allowing fear and childhood baggage having kept me from pursing my true path as an arts minister. I didn’t really see each day as a new day to start my life, to get on the right […]
Broken Pieces — Katherine Appello – Inspiration and Wellness
I have always searched for my one true love, without actually searching. If I randomly met someone through mutual friends, fine. If not, I just hoped that the perfect someone would land on my doorstep. Crazy, right?
I grew up being surrounded by people who had average relationships and marriages but I dreamt that I would be swept off my feet by Mr Right and that we would have the greatest romance ever.
I was in a relationship for five years. I never thought he was THE ONE. I was convinced that I was asking for too much and that It was my fault I could not see him as the one. We loved each other a lot but we could not make it last because we argued a lot.
I can’t help but wonder…Is it all my fault that it didn’t work ? Am I asking for too much? Am I not worthy to find true love? Does the universe punish me because I am the type of woman who would never get her husband’s last name?
Can you truly love someone without being in love first? Was that the cause of all problems in my relationship? And how will I know for sure? I will never get answers to my questions and that is killing me.
Is finding true love overrated? And most importantly, does true love even exist? Is there a soulmate for everyone? And if yes, where is mine?
Since I was I young child I remember feeling stressed on a daily basis. I used to get upset very easily and I also cried very easily. I was an only child for the first five years of my life and I had the all of the attention of my parents. They were very protective and caring. However, every time I was emotional, my parents would not approve of it. They thought I was overacting and that I was embarrassing them.
Even now my parents expect me to behave in a certain way. They are mad at me when I express my feelings. My ex-partner felt the same. So, now that I am approaching forty, I try to hide my feelings and control my reactions. The reason why I do this is that the people around me are not understanding and they make me feel bad about my emotions. They consider me the weak and believe I need attention. However, what my mouth doesn’t say, my face does. It is obvious that there is something wrong with me and they are still mad at me.
“What is wrong with you? Stop having that long face”!
Over the years I have been diagnosed with the Irritable Bowel Syndrome, acidic reflux and herniated spine and neck discs. My doctors suggested that my stomach/bowel issue might be stress induced.
“Try to relax “they said.
How can I relax when I know how the people around me will react? They will blame me for not controlling myself and my emotions
“Your stress is to be blamed for everything! You are making yourself sick because you are thinking about being sick!”
Luckily my problems have been under control for quite some time now.
In the past few months, I have been trying to change my lifestyle and my way of thinking. I pray more, I exercise a bit and I try to be less materialistic. (I do try but those online mid-season sales on clothes are killing me). I have even taken up gardening. I started planting succulents because they are easy to grow. It is going quite well and I am proud of myself. Now that I look back, I realize that I should have taken it easy years ago. The fact that I used to work too hard and worry too much about what others thought about me caused me various problems that I still haven’t been able to overcome completely.
I also listen to relaxing music and I find time between jobs to watch some TV even if I am not always satisfied with what I am watching. I just spend half an hour watching something silly in order to clear my head.
I don’t know if I will ever be able to completely remove stress from my life or even reduce it significantly but I am actually trying to improve myself and that makes me feel well.
There are always ups and downs but I try not to lose my focus or my faith. I admit that sometimes I still get affected by the way people treat me. Most of the times though, I no longer take it personally. I remind myself that life is short and that it is the small everyday things that make us happy.
I was diagnosed with stress related ulcers and there are several things that have contributed to the fibromyalgia and now this. I will seek all the medical care necessary, but it has to go deeper, a lot deeper. 331 more words
What Now? — Katherine Appello – Inspiration and Wellness
When I was a teenager, I was clumsy with boys. I was really shy and never approached the boys I liked ,unlike my classmates who had one boyfriend after the other. As an adult my clumsiness continued…I dated a few men and my first major crash was at the age of twenty eight. And you saw from my previous post how that went…After by big crash left the country I spent two years waiting for him to return. I was in a limbo. I couldn’t go back to what we had and I couldn’t move forward. But how could I move forward? It had always been hard for me to meet someone.
One day a colleague suggested meeting someone she had met a few months back. Tall, athletic, kind and funny but also a bit feisty. I agreed to meet him on a night out, not alone of course. I knew he would be a trouble maker and it was more than obvious that we didn’t have many things in common but we ended up together for five years. We didn’t fall in love. We just really liked each other and after a while we loved each other.
Still, we were always on the verge of breaking up. He couldn’t stand discipline and I couldn’t stand patriarchy. I was working two jobs and I got home late. Cooking was not my priority and he couldn’t nor wanted to learn how to. Housekeeping was not his strong point-it wasn’t his point at all actually and I refused to do everything by myself. That caused a lot of friction. Apart from that, I was also a very emotional person-I still am- and he couldn’t stand my crying.
I am sure you are wondering how did the relationship last that long. You see, I was always a bit of a weirdo and I was always labelled as picky from friends and family. To be honest, I am. A friend kept telling me that in a relationship we should compromise. Every single day. I mostly blamed myself for the problems until one day I realized it was not the only one to blame and that our relationship was toxic…
We kept in touch for a year. Spoke almost every week. Even met a few times. He was the first person to call when something bad happened. He was still my rock in every hardship. He wanted us to try again but blamed me for all the problems and kept pointing out that my attitude hadn’t changed. Newsflash: His hadn’t either.
Six months ago we met at a mutual friend’s party and I wanted to set things on fire when he told me he started seeing someone. I was jealous! I don’t know why. He realized I didn’t like his announcement and asked what was wrong with me. I pretended to be cool. He didn’t believe me. Apparently, my face says what my mouth doesn’t. He texted me a couple of days later to see if I still love him. In the next month we texted often. The month after that I asked him to get back together and he said no. Don’t ask me why. It just felt right at the time… Now, a year and a half after the break-up I still love him but I know we can’t be together for various reasons. Still, I think about him every day…
In the past few months, apart from wearing masks, we have also picked up another habit. Video calls! Since we can’t meet in person we meet online. A friend of mine started these calls last year in order to keep herself busy and her morals high since she was expecting her first baby during the first wave of the pandemic. She kept adding people to our group, then she created another group and another and we ended up talking in six different groups.
Lately, we picked up the habit again. Two weeks ago, on a busy night, I joined the call 20 minutes later. She thought she had accidentally removed me from the group and added me again. However, it was a different group…. Her long distant family member whom I once dated was also in the call . He was shocked to see me and it was obvious. I was shocked to see him but I didn’t make it obvious. I greeted him politely and for the rest of the call we ignored each other-which was easy to do because there were about eight of us.
My old flame and I dated for a few months. I was young and silly and was looking for my one true love. He was ten years older, divorced, between jobs and he didn’t want to settle down again. When moved to another continent in search of a better future I was left crying and posting love songs on my social media account. We hardly ever communicated and four years later he got married. He didn’t want to settle down with me but he married someone else.
After the call ended, he messaged me. He said he wanted to apologize for behaving like an idiot ten years ago. And then he said the words I longed to hear.” I ‘m sorry. I should have treated you better”. We ended up having a video call that lasted forever. We did a lot of catching up and had a major throwback.
That night, I realized how much I have matured in the past ten years. Don’t get me wrong. I still have a long way to go… I did have a tiny butterfly in my stomach we started our conversation but things are no longer the same. We have no future together, nor want to have a future together. If I met him now, I doubt I would date him even though he is single again. I have learned from my mistakes.
Apart from that, I care deeply for my ex-partner with whom we broke up over a year ago. But the former object of affection is another chapter…
After a long break I started exercising again, this time online. I got up in the morning determined to eat a healthy toast with avocado and drink herbal tea. However, I was sleepy and I was craving coffee and cookies. And I had them. So, I started my online session bloated and not so full of energy. Still, I was optimistic. I really wanted my online exercising to work. I moved my laptop about 6-7 times because the trainer could not get a good view of me. Then l lay down, on the floor , and I had to put my laptop on the floor, too. Since my room is not very spacious, stretching is not an easy business. I hurt my hand on the closet door and my leg on the bed. But still, I was optimistic..
.Since I had no equipment I had to improvise. I used two small plastic bottles filled with water as dumbbells. Guess what I dropped and the lid was not tight…The trainer joked about changing the session to synchronized swimming. Guess who didn’t find that comment funny. If it hadn’t been for my health issues and if I didn’t like eating A LOT I would not bother again but what to do…I can’t wait for the next session…Not…
Everything is going to be different about this year’s Christmas but I decided that one thing should remain the same. My baking spree!
Every year, a random night in December, a few days before Christmas I pour a glass of wine (or 3), put on some Christmas music (after the third glass it is disco music) and start baking. It is usually fancy cupcakes (reality is definitely not like expectation) or cookies in different versions or Italian biscotti with pistachios and cranberries. After the first batch, which does not taste as nice as I expected, I pour another glass of wine and make another batch adjusting the ingredients according to my baking experience. The second batch still does not taste as well as I expected. Disappointed as I am, I change course completely. I get the whole wheat flour out, the coconut oil and the agave syrup. As a result, my previous batches taste better after have tasted the healthy, vegan, reduced-fat version. So, the problem is solved. Then, I have to deal with another problem. Cleaning…By two am I have about ten pounds of baked goods, a dirty sink and a sticky floor. I go to bed by three o’clock and I wake up in the morning with a light headache wondering what on earth I was thinking the night before…
I don’t know when my baking spree will take place this year. I often go through my old recipes humming “Last Christmas I gave you my mask”. Working from home has made me really lazy and to be honest I don’t feel very Christmassy. As much as I try not to lose hope, I am a pessimist. I can’t help it. I don’t see light at the end of the tunnel, at least not yet. This pandemic has turned our lives upside down. I know humanity has been through worse and that the Pharaohs would laugh if they heard us complain about just on plague but this is more that the modern world could handle. This is not how Christmas should be. One thing can be comforting, though. Young Kevin will not be home alone this Christmas. EVERYBODY will be home!
Merry Christmas!
Since I was a child, I have been fascinated by glass snowballs. I have been in search of the perfect one for decades but I still haven’t found it. I own quite a few but none of them is THE ONE. I was aware of the fact when I bought them and hoped that one day, I would find an amazing glass snowball and that I would recognize it the minute I saw it. I have no clue how I want it to be like or where to find it. (Someone once said-in a glass, ha ha). Still, I ‘m confident that one day I will.
This Christmas will not be like others. No festivities, no parties, no large family dinners since that half ass jingler virus has turned our lives upside down. Personally, I am tired of being part of an event that will be taught in History books in a few years but as long my loved ones are well, I have nothing else to ask for.
I won’t go looking for the perfect glass snowball this year. I am not in the mood- plus I am avoiding crowds like every person who respects his or herself during a pandemic. I could try and make one of myself since I have pinned dozens of ideas but still, I do not have the skills required. As a matter of fact, my craft skills resemble the ones of a five-year-old. With the things happening around us I don’t feel like buying more things (except perhaps from that great pair of boots I saw online). I will settle for the possessions I already own that are more than enough (as my full closets suggest) and I will try to focus on uplifting myself spiritually which is not an easy task when people piss you off all the time.
Maybe one day, I will find the perfect glass snowball.
Today I spoke with an old friend with whom I hadn’t spoken in months and I realized that we had both been through the oocytes cryopreservation process without telling each other. As women approach their forties, their fertility drops. Therefore, we both took the decision to pump ourselves with hormones in order to save some precious oocytes so that one day we could have an offspring.
Fertility is a struggle for women that not all people understand. Not even other women. When other women hear you are approaching forty and you are still single and don’t have kids they are like ” Oh, that’s ok, you will have children one day, you haven’t met the right man yet”. Unfortunately, the worst comments come from the ones close to them, especially their own mothers. ” Well, you shouldn’t be so picky. If you had got married when you were younger you would have had kids. Now, it might be too late”.
In the past I might have wondered why women were close to forty and hadn’t had kids, yet. Now, I know…Maybe they haven’t met the right man. Maybe they are not ready. Maybe they can’t afford it. Maybe they can’t. Maybe they can’t afford assisted reproduction. Maybe they don’t want to. Yes, some women and men do not want to have children. It may be frowned upon but it is a reality. They are not selfish. They are not lonely and their lives may actually have a meaning.
I respect the people and especially the women are struggling to have a child and have to deal with the hardships of infertility and assisted reproduction. After all, one day I may be one of them. But I don’t respect people who tell others how to live their life. Suggestions and advice are always welcome. But judgment is not. People tend to criticize other people’s choices whereas they don’t make the best ones themselves. I really try not to judge other people’s decisions. Sometimes I fall in the trap. It is easier to judge others than to judge yourself. But most of the times I sympathize with others-unless they are really irresponsible or really horrible. Instead of saving others that don’t need saving, I try to save myself. Don’t get me wrong; my head is still a jungle and most of the times I DON’T know what I am doing. But I am a work in progress.
As I grow older, I try to focus on my mistakes and on how to become a better person. Not for others but for me. Our lives would probably be less complicated if we all did the same.
